I believe that it is in relationship that our deepest wounds can emerge for healing. It is in relationship that we can have a clear mirror that shows us what we need to work on.
I promised Spirit that I would write about what I am going through. In the hopes that Spirit would show me the reality of what is going on, I promised that I would share my reality with all of you. Piercing the veil of my perfectionism, I will share with you the lesson that continues to come up for me in every love relationship that I have ever had. I am hoping that by naming it, sharing it and really feeling it I can release it because I realize that it no longer serves me. I am also hoping that as you read this, if you suffer from this as well, you will know that you are not alone.
I am insecure. At the very least there is a part of me that struggles with my own self-worth. How does this manifest in my life? Borrowing John Lennon’s words I claim that I am a jealous woman. I state that I have a hard time trusting men. As I write this I accept that what I really have is a hard time trusting is my choice in men. Maybe it’s because I have picked some doozies in the past, maybe it’s because I have witnessed my fair share of betrayal, maybe it’s because I have some really strong, nasty core beliefs about men.
Love has come knocking at my door and I have struggled to shut off my mind. Those old loops still continue to circulate my mind everyday. I am grateful for the awareness that those thoughts are not my current reality. I know they are merely thoughts which are a product of all those reasons I mentioned above. All of these reasons which have nothing to do with what I am going through today.
I keep reminding myself that only love is real. Everything else is:
False Evidence Appearing Real
Defenses created from past experiences that block me from experiencing what is happening now. To witness the opening and closing of my heart, to feel the difference between those feelings, the beauty of one versus the darkness of the other…I continue to choose and pray for openness. I share my feelings with Spirit. I know that if I can’t trust him or myself that I can trust Spirit. She is guiding me on this journey and I am willing to learn whatever lessons she has planned for me. I share with her that I am in fear and I pray that even in my fear I can stay open.
I am sitting here, at his table, writing about love and being open. Little does he know that 2 hours ago I was questioning everything...ready to throw in the towel simply because I was in fear. I reached out for support and my wise friend asked me how old this feeling was. I realized that it dated back 10 years when a boy I was seeing had cheated on me the entire time we had been together.
It takes courage to witness these feelings, to feel them and to own them. I cried and felt the pain of that betrayal. I reminded myself that my Love is not that boy. In a matter of moments the fear and anxiety subsided. I felt more grounded and open-hearted and more capable to cope with the present situation from the present.
This is the gift of relationship. The gift of seeing what you still need to release in order to move closer to your True Self. A True Self that can relate to another from this more authentic place.
Love and Light,
Patty Alfonso BMC, EHT
Harmony Healing
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